leave

my chest is caving in-
my ribs are breaking, crashing around my heart
which is beating faster than it ever has -
my breathe is short and fast

my heart is doing all it can to survive, to make it through one more day.

my body's shaking, convulsing,..
i feel like this must be it, but i'm still alive
i'm still standing
still smiling

my face is burning
my head is throbbing
but i'm not crying
i'm not panicking
i'm just watching you walk away

parking lot goodbyes

why do you make me feel this way
with that nervous feeling in my stomach

i knew what we were yesterday.
but today i miss you like the day you left for london

i can still smell you on me.
i can still feel your lips on my cheek.

in the same parking lot where you left me before.
this time it wasn't goodbye.

but it still hurt.

and yet another goodbye

it wouldn't be the first time i've been left
& i know it won't be the last
that's what makes it easier
knowing that there will be more heartache, disappointment and loneliness
those emotions and feelings are nothing i haven't dealt with before
they are nothing to be afraid of
besides there will be- i know there will be amazing moments of..
and really, right now this goodbye isn't completely depressing
actually it's kind of comforting
reassuring me that i'm still strong that this is but a tiny prick in the cracks of my heart and head

goodbye.

i cringe every time the phone rings

i don't want to talk

i can't say no

how'd you know i'd be home

hello.

fake laughter.

why are you checking up on me?

goodbye.

goodbye

You knocked on my door to wake me and let me know you were leaving
(I’ve been woken up to goodbyes far too many times in this life)

I stepped out of my room-the world was blurry -then you hugged me-

We talked of petty things to keep our minds off of the moment-
I made us cheesy eggs and followed you around-

You knocked a glass on the floor
then gave me the flip flops off of your feet
so I wouldn't step in the broken pieces- -

The time we had was last minute packing on your part, for me,
last minute realizations that you were really going to leave--

Then it was time-

I saw you saying goodbye with your eyes
as I felt tears well up in mine I held them back-
knowing you only wanted smiles-

I was still smiling as you were driving away –
hoping you couldn’t see the tears dripping off my cheek


--You left me your playboy collection and a half empty bottle of rum

how is this real

i don't fuckin get it--
i really don't understand
why you woke me up to tell
me you were walking away today--

ok-- so you're leaving her--
but did you realize
that means you're also leaving me

and despite my role in your life-- i'm sad--
i'm sad i'm fucking confused i'm ..at a loss for words-

why-- what the fuck is going on--
how is this happening--

i'm still half asleep, am i still dreaming--
tell me this is a dream--

it's too drastic to not be-- it's to irrational
to be realistic--did you think about all the
effects this would have -- you know you'll be back-

you have to be-- she'll come get you- in a wave of
reckless spontaneity

i know it will happen- i don't see why you can't--
why she can't -

i just talked to her and she was so calm- so tranquil-
how is that-- what the fuck is going on--
how the fuck is this all happening with so much ease

i have never had any major transitions in my
life be so simple- but yet you- and her- you
make it seem as if nothing is changing-- but i can
see-- i can fucking see- that everything is shifting--
which will only lead to more changes-- even the little
things are going to change--
do you think your leaving will make
her life- better-- do you honestly believe that--

it will not make anything better-- it will make me her
on-call fucking therapist for the next 3 weeks i'm going to be the one to pick
up all her pieces-- you'll
be gone-- i'll be here-

i'm still dumfounded at how effortless this is for you-

i know this standoff will not last- and i know when it's
over the problems and the pain will have only started-
yet again--

but you need to do - what you feel you must- if she's
happy or if she believes she is- then maybe this is what
is supposed to be happening- but that doesn't make me any
less sad and miserable- it doesn't make her any less
likely to have problems i'll need to cater too- it
doesn't make me miss you any less- it actually doesn't fix
anything-

i cry..

i cry because i know
you will leave

i cry because i cannot
stop you- because i am
not enough to make you stay-

i cry because i am thankful this
love has lasted so long

i cry because in your arms
i am comfortable and content

i cry because i know this
cannot last- and because i have known lonliness before

i cry because i fear myself-
because i will have no one to blame

i cry because life is so good
for only but a moment-and because i
have found happiness in you

i cry because i'm scared of what
is to come

i cry for you, for her, for life, for myself,
i cry for today

can this goodbye be real

you said goodbye......

without tradgedy or balloons
no more than that- you left
with out a call- no words- no feelings-

redundant sunrises and sunsets - nothing changed
and then you called
with the saddest voice i could ever recognize

telling me not of your new world- but your love--
as you spoke-- my head broke and my heart swelled--
with regret and tears

..... i said goodbye with out believing it was all true

a dramatic letter

a letter you'll never get- a note you'll never read- just so it's clear- i will get over you- i will let go- let me go- to 'rest in pieces'- i'm done trying with you- i've lost my nerve and my heart-- my heart, my heart?- it's withered - it still beats- but barely- - but my justice- my peace- is knowing i will love again- my heart will beat for another- i will go on to love another day- you've toyed with my emotions for far too long- and i with yours but it's over- it is finally done- those words may have been spoken many times before-but this game- this fucking sadistic game- i give up- you win - i lose - i LOSE- i've lost so much of myself in the pursuit of you- but now i'm free from what you are- from what you make me when i'm about you- find another mind to fuck with- mine is now my own-i'll no longer lay down and die for you- i refuse - i'm done with you - leave me be- you've done your damage- i've bled all i can for you - you have drained me- and yet you still want more--
.................
i've had all my mind can handle but honestly my heart still wants more so i must be strong and i will be- i really will be this time around- hope your next mind fuck
is a good one- sincerely- me