abandoned buildings have feelings too

sometimes i think about the old graffiti'd building
in the bottom of the canyon behind your parent's house

i think about how so much must have happened down there
parties, laughter, self-discovery, loss of innocence
and how even before that someone worked down there

and yet still i think about the time we spent exploring that canyon
how as soon as we were down there i felt at home
i felt the need to be alone, the need to be free
i felt lonely and complete and satisfied simultaneously

sometimes i think about the old graffiti'd building
in the bottom of that canyon - and i wonder if they miss me

youth

each new day has hope
each new hour brings me a step closer to freedom

buried under these secrets
my only way out is denial

i see you thinking about it
i know you'll never do what you know you should

let's be fair
this is our youth.

if this is what i'm to expect from the next year
then i must say.. i'm looking forward to disappointment.
and loneliness in the sense that these people are content with the
way life in this house is.. and that i will never find solace in their presence
fuck yea.. can't wait.. bring on the sad monotony

moss on my feet.

the weather is irrational
sunny with hard rain


i'm cold hot & wet
from sky and sweat

the air smells like summer in the country
spent with my aunt feeding cows
and riding horses in the woods

my hands smell of body odor
and feel gritty from old sweat and long days

the air just changed to that of a carnival
cotton candy and bright lights
grease and laughing

the hard street is comforting
dark and shimmering


with each step
i grow more content.

the sun is warm on my back and
i feel like this is where i'm supposed to be

when home means heaven

everything always ends with whiskey
but tonight started a different way

swimming on the floor
voices in the clouds
moving - talking -
words never spoken but heard-
thoughts in unison
thinking in songs
songs thinking in me

worlds they never knew i gave them-
they made them-
we created ourselves picture perfect-
parts moving on their own
frantically moving
crying - laughing
wanting more
wanting nothing

perfection

fuck you
fuck technology

this is heaven
this place
this home

new worlds & places
music & perfection

rooms - places - times-
everything better than the last

parking lot
living room floor
kitchen floor

girls on sinks
complete terror

dark rooms
hidden girls
new faces
scary places
running - hiding -
from yourself

finding freedom
liberation

they never knew the four of us would create heaven
we are everything-

happiness
living is right now
this is fucking life.

it's unexplainable
the end.





(what's all the shit outside of here? i don't want to know. i don't want to go. don't want to go there again - the soundtrack of our lives is something no one has heard - just feels like home - this is home - i am home. -from a friend-)

live or you will die

life is a few moments that i possess
why am i wasting them on superficial tasks-

friends are who i make them
& who make themselves to me-

why care so much about things i cannot control-

life is simple-
if i make it so.

things are good right now but wanting so much makes me feel worthless and small-

let go of those unnecessary times-items-& people

there is only so much life left
do what is needed to survive
and then you will thrive
then you can be content
then you will find yourself
then only will you be free

truth is only that which you make it

what do you want

simplicity-contentment-happiness-
but only in its most simple or extreme form-

stop thinking of the unattainable

i am what i create
i am only worthless if i feel that i am worthless

i want to get back to reality
i want to feel whole-

truckstop

3:12 am

silence.
except the squeaking of some windshield wipers against the almost damp window of an empty car.

silence.
the kind of silence the kind of bleak darkness that goes on for miles. the kind the movie showed you.

it is the eerie comfort.
that only being alone in an empty parking lot of fog can give.

it is the kind of cold that is tolerable and not too much to make you want to run.

this is the peace you wish you could feel at any moment of any day
this is the stillness you have in this minute.

i just told you things- ..you allow me to
be an open book-
but yet i feel you're
still in hiding-

i'm content with this-
with the way things are

i do want to know more of you-
i think of you many times throughout
my days-
just a passing wonder
of what you might be involved in-

and i- don't even think it's about
you being a boy-
and me a girl-

just that there is something in you
that reminds me of
EVERYTHING in me...

i want to be closer to that-
to know more of you-
means to know more of myself

you're the stronger me i'll never be

i cry..

i cry because i know
you will leave

i cry because i cannot
stop you- because i am
not enough to make you stay-

i cry because i am thankful this
love has lasted so long

i cry because in your arms
i am comfortable and content

i cry because i know this
cannot last- and because i have known lonliness before

i cry because i fear myself-
because i will have no one to blame

i cry because life is so good
for only but a moment-and because i
have found happiness in you

i cry because i'm scared of what
is to come

i cry for you, for her, for life, for myself,
i cry for today

restless

the nights have been long-
filled w/ cruel fantasies

constantly waking only to
hope i've slept more than i feel
i have-

constantly tossing-
lying on the floor..
sleeping on the couch..
anything willing to cater
to my violent thrashings
constantly turning
never comfortable...
always aching-

wishing to be somewhere else-
sleeping well as only content minds do--
a peaceful easy sleep, one w/ out anxiety and anticipation-
a safe comforting sleep
feeling as if i am loved and safe w/ in that love

--the nights have long turned into months and still i wish...

I CAN'T SLEEP & I'M AFRAID YOU ARE

I'M ALONE WITH MY SELF
BORDERING RESTLESSNESS

THERE ARE SHADOWS DANCING ON THE
WALL FROM THE CANDLE LIGHT & A
SAD SONG STINGING IN MY EARS-

BUT I AM NOT LONLEY
I AM MORE CONTENT THAN I HAVE BEEN
IN SUCH A TIME- THAT I'M NOT EVEN SURE
IF I EVER WAS
BUT I AM ANCY-I AM ANXIOUS

I FEEL I DON'T REMEMBER HOW TO BE
COMFORTABLE
I FEEL THIS SHOULD BE WRONG-
BUT YET I'M UNSURE OF HOW TO CHANGE THIS
FEELING


NERVOUSLY AT EASE-IS THIS AS PLEASANT AS I CAN FEEL

stones of grief

so solemn and content
sitting among the stones of grief
while yellow dandelions dance by my feet-
i am truely at peace in this field of death-
while birds frolic in the light
and chirp contently-
i wonder about the lives of all those
that surround me-
as i sit here, alone, basking in the sun

the man that is letting me rest here is
named Jacob Weber

sorry

i'm so sorry i lied
it hurts so bad inside
i wanna tell you but
i don't know how-
i feel like dieing here
lying here on the floor
it would be easier than telling you
because then you would still love me- if you
knew you'd hate me-cause right now i hate
myself- i feel so dirty & wrong

you're my solace in lifes
pandemonium--
but if you knew the truth
you'd cast me out among the rest-
i need to tell you -
you have to know-
i can't be content until you see the true me-
filthy & unclean as
i may seem

Drown.......

away into the oblivion
beyond the screaming and the pain
past all reality
sinking into sweet serenity
i push every worry aside
hoping to find myself.
secretly wishing to unlock some..
mystery
yearning for unknown freedom
dwelling on this mystical moment
i am solemn against all....
petty child-like laughter
i am happy and content
but do not glow with it
do not judge me for i am above it
just let me bask in my...
CONFUSION