always sad..

they're always sad.. 
i think it runs in the family..
he says he eats pills all day to keep away the hurt.. she says there's always whiskey
she takes in the libations to change who she is, to keep the pain out of view, and to make others smile, so she can forget she's not..
he says he's happy if he has no emotion, if he just doesn't think, if he's good at what he does he feels he deserves the right to dose his senses

they appear to be unfazed by the judgments of others, but they both hurt so much
abandoned one way or another by their parents
shunned by main stream society.. they ache for acceptance
they beg for freedom from their burdens, from their pasts' 

some day.. 
is all they have.. 
but who can see hope when it seems there's none
when happiness has never felt real, what is there to try for


it's the kind of sad that sits like a heavy stone in your chest
it's always there like a tumor
although sometimes it's easy to forget, it starts aching again just when you think it's went away


no explanation

sometimes i wonder if i can feel anything..
i feel so numb inside..
i'm continually feeling less attached to those that care for me.
they seem distant when they're so close, or is it i who am so far away..

lately all i can think of is love.
i have now decided i believe in love.
in the many different kinds of love i have always known,
but i am speaking of real gut wrenching love.
and yet i'm growing colder everyday.

there is a shaking in my bones
a trembling.
i wonder if things are about to start..
is life about to get real.. i don't know.. something must come of this


much in motion

begining to feel lost again.
yet nothing is happening.
i have set so much in motion.
with little return, i am exhausted.
long days, even longer nights.
love is certain but not always prominent.
these things i know, i know well, and they suit me.
yet they are not things i profit from.
tomorrow will feel more certain. tomorrow will
bring some satisfaction.
but today i am lost and a little vulnerable.
i'm not always sure about my path.
only, that it is mine.



i have no home, there exists no house for me
but i want to be there
i want so badly to be in four walls that house my things, my belongings
i wish this make believe place existed
i would take a cab there now.


FUCK! sometimes i just want to forget everything i've ever loved in this town so i could just get the fuck out.. i keep sitting here in my own shame sucked into the filth and lies this town offers up as you cross the county line.. i get so comfortable barely surviving here that i'm afraid to go try to start again.. and then it all comes crashing down.. this house of cards i have built for myself in this fucking den of conceptual bullshit.. and i freak out.. i need a fucking car.. i think i would just leave now. if i had a car. there are still things and cats i cannot leave behind.. i still have a soul. i'm not completely fucking dead inside.. yet it's begining to feel like it. . the only responsibility keeping me here.. is this fucking notion that i need to finish school.. what the fuck is going to change in my life if i finish school.. not a fucking thing.. why am i doing this to myself.. i'm wasting my life.. and i can feel it happening.. it's a real dull pain but it's there and it's building..
i'm done.
i'm ready.
how do i do this..


did i just really fuck this up..

did you love me?..

i thought it wasn't right..
i felt like we didn't fit..

but i wasn't trying..
i was throwing away some of the puzzle pieces when you weren't looking

you really loved me..
the good, the bad and the ugly
and i just couldn't accept that.

who can't accept love?

i am so selfish to the point that i couldn't let you love me how you wanted.
i had to have it my way. i ruined it.

and as soon as we pulled down the umbrella terms, i wanted you.

as soon as you stopped loving me. i missed you.
i'm so stubborn. so damn stubborn and selfish.

even now the phone rang and when i saw it was you i was so happy until i heard your voice, so sad. yet you still wanted to see me and i just wouldn't make the effort to meet on your ground..
what the fuck am i doing?

i wouldn't be happy with you.

i'm happy when i think of you.


it tends to be so easy for me to forget how bad it hurts

but when i see it all in your face.. in your tears..

trying seems hopeless, giving up is not an option.

i know that pain was real but it feels so far away now.


sometimes we just need the faintest of hope to get us through our day..

sorry i crushed yours..

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i don't understand why i can't just tell you..
why it has to be so hard.. 
i love you. that's it.
i don't know you're past..
your goals have not yet been made clear.. 
but i feel like none of that would be troublesome..
we could make it... on love alone.. 
we've talked. we've laughed.. 
that's enough for me, it seems so easy with you..
i'm so sure of my feelings..
but i'm too scared to voice them.. 

and now i fear it's too late.