things are so different in sunlight

because i told you

i don't know that it will ever matter how many tears i've cried.. how much laughter i spread..

things will keep on going..

you will all forget.. in time.

i will never have mattered.

there will always be the select few that will think fondly of me, now and then..

but for the reasons i've been sad.. for the things i've done right or wrong.. they will never have mattered in the end.

just know that when i loved, i really really loved.

and when i didn't i was just being stubborn.

i always knew this would be. don't think i was clueless. it was always very real to me... always there in the back of my head. i did many of the things i did. knowing this would be my end.

at work again..

slice after slice comes out of the oven and into their faces.. so many faces.. most of them familiar from nights before.. some new, some confused .. but all the same.

but things aren't so bad..

however the clock seems to have stopped moving forward..

chain smoking and chugging raspberry flavored water doesn't seem to be making time slip by any faster..

friends have been coming in at different intervals to remind me that they love me.. but really rubbing in my face their good times.. and carefree summer nights

but i'm ok with that.. when they're here the clock seems to unfreeze and work for but a few minutes..

soon time will have passed and i will go home and then what..

i will sleep restlessly to wake and do it all over again.