To make me feel 'in love'

right now..
in this state - anything could happen-
i feel so numb - so void of life -

i want pills - i want lone cold nights-
i want redemption-
give me emotion i can inject -
give me passion i can snort -
feelings i can swallow -

i want drama.
i want hardship.

anything to make me believe i'm not sleeping
anything to disconnect
anything to imagine

to think no one could understand would be selfish-foolish
no more pretending.
however - knowing that..
makes nothing easier
it doesn't make the days shorter -
or life better
the sun brighter - the moon fuller -
all that happy bullshit that's only real when someone thinks they're 'in love' -

damn. writing isn't even helping this night end faster- feel warmer-
i still need those drugs -
those magical pills to right all wrongs -
to make the sun and moon feel alive

love

Love is all right for those who can handle the psychic overload. It's like trying to carry a full garbage can on your back over a rushing river of pins.
-C. Bukowski

and yet another goodbye

it wouldn't be the first time i've been left
& i know it won't be the last
that's what makes it easier
knowing that there will be more heartache, disappointment and loneliness
those emotions and feelings are nothing i haven't dealt with before
they are nothing to be afraid of
besides there will be- i know there will be amazing moments of..
and really, right now this goodbye isn't completely depressing
actually it's kind of comforting
reassuring me that i'm still strong that this is but a tiny prick in the cracks of my heart and head

sleeping alone is not as nice
as lonely people like to make it seem