broken praise

is that a compliment i gave you..
oh and another..

shit i gave you too much-
can i have them back-

now i know you-
now i don't want to-

is there any way for me to get out of this..



is there a day

never is there a day worthy of words

and if only truth was wanted things would improve
legitimacy is only right when applauded

thank me when you've followed through




it's 1 am

what am i doing here

mandarin signing in my ear.

wish i was somewhere else, but anywhere but home

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the things i say.

maybe you were right

this doesn't have to be me-

words left empty- with no real author-

i didn't believe you at the time

but it only took a few days-

and now i know
the things i say-
are not always what you see-
sitting amongst friends and good conversation

i feel more alone than ever-
i feel disappointed and let down-
when nothing was really expected-

all i can think of is the bag in my pocket-

all i can do is hate myself for what i've done

sitting here writing while you're laughing-
i wish i could participate but there's no hope in that-

you have no idea- but to believe me when i say i'm just tired
there is something wrong- i've yet to figure it out

i suspect the problem to be something you know but don't want to say-

the thing we both ignore--

sitting with you -while you pour drinks down your throats and push sex in your eyes-
i wish i didn't have to pretend to be having a good time-


running in the streets

running through the streets of Chicago
where everyone is pretending to be something their not

on the red line to a party i wonder if they are the same
so many stories so many secrets are hiding in here-
on the blue line- trying to get farther from home

we look like a parade - twenty of us walking looking confused
and excited- two by two here we come-
for that's all the street will allow-

so cold i can see your breath- but things are happy
and nothing can be too wrong tonight

looking like whores and sluts- we dance around - stealing-spilling-
dealing laughs and stares-

new people- old friends- could things be any better-
beautiful people are in abundance- beer is free and flowing
find a cup and you can join- for a small piece of your dignity
nothing is off limits-

boys in skirts- chicks with dicks-
let's dance and drink and smoke- these are the times
the best times- if we can say that- if we have that-

running in the streets- complaining from the cold- and feeling lost-
this is truely the best of what we have-

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everything just fell into place
and cracked..

the timing was never right-
your song is always wrong-

we all wait and pray for that perfect day
that is so far away but close enough to touch
well it's never going to come-
things will never be right
stop hoping stop praying-
do you see surviving is all we have
thriving is just a dream
and dreams are just delusions
we're all disappearing
we're a dieing people -
comfortable is something you and me will never know-

so once you have something - sit on it- love it- nourish it-
that's all you have-
bliss is something you know but only for a moment-
time if fading life is gone
living. is something i can do

no more pretending- please

what was that-

that's all you have to say
about everything- are you really telling me
you don't feel- i think you know- we both know-
you're such a fool- let's pretend- that really is you-
then what-
then what.
really no reply- don't be so coy- you know the answer-
you know - i know

no more pretending -please

are you hiding

i want to hurt you
i want to grab and shake you
i want to scream in your face
so loud "what the fuck are you hiding"


how many times a day do you think of her

is it only when you're lonley-

how are you filling the void-

does she fix everything -

i see you standing there laughing - holding back your hurt

when will you try to fix it

when can it be fixed