there is no answer

there are secrets lurking around every corner..

oh the things you think you know about someone..

that boy in your bed. has been my boy...

that girl you thought you knew.. tells me things that would make you weep.

what do your parents do when you're not around.. you could never imagine..

everyone is more of a lie than you thought.

friendships are only an effort to feel loved.. to feel wanted and accepted..
friendships are kept to keep from loneliness..

are you really happy with the things you do..
the actions you take to make others happy..
with the things they do to make themselves happy...
with the problems and lies you know exist but refuse to believe

this world is disgusting..
but what can someone do..
what is there to do..

helping makes you look pathetic..
not caring and pretending not to care makes you a hypocrite..

ignoring it makes things go smoothly..
but then things never feel right in the end..

those awkward situations didn't used to be so awkward..
those good times.. used to be genuine..

so better yourself.. and avoid everyone?
who are you impressing with your knowledge..
there is a reason you are trying so hard.. there is a purpose..

motives exist in even the tiniest of movements..

there is no answer..
i know nothing..
i have no answers..
we are all lost..
and all damned.

a.c.

this place is a wasteland..
you said it so perfectly

words these people don't like to hear..

we are all selfish and souless..
lonley and lost..
yet we don't try to look to each other for solace..

just good times that mean nothing
how can someone say they love me
when they know nothing about me..

i'm trying hard to not say those words
but people have expectations
people feed on your warmth
they dine on your empathy and give you nothing for your kindness

this place is savage
these people hungry beasts
these people that i call home..

you said we are all lonely
and it's true..
i'm sad and i feel it daily
but yet i've forgotten how to listen
how to care..
i have taken you for granted
as i do myself

i have forgotten how to be a 'good' person
but i have learned how to fake it

i have adjusted to this empty way of life..
i see so many other people live this life
that i begin to think that this is normal
this is how the world is supposed to be
void of true feeling

i have managed to become the person i didn't want to be
and i hadn't fully realized it..
it's not as though i had been completely oblivious of it..
but i just didn't think anyone noticed

everyone else is so wrapped up in theirselves
in their lonliness

you are right- you are..
not about everything........just about me..

an empty shell

as i click away at the computer..
looking for some sign of life. .
i feel myself slipping away..
further and further into a place i don't recognize

this new person feels awkward and unstable
my kitten looks to me for reassurance that i'm still me
i can give him none

this cough.. this spewing of bad that is inside of me..
it's been with me for quite some time..
i know i can make it leave.. but i won't ..
the bad keeps growing

i'm trying, well i wish i could say i am
really i'm just pretending to hold on
trying to seem like i still care

people worry when you don't pretend
when i come to the point where i can no longer remember how it feels to be her
i think then, then you will worry
the faking can only last so long..

still clicking away.. no one's there
not a soul ... soul's don't last long where i live
i haven't seen one in a while
sometimes i think i can feel traces of them
left on those people that i hug
just enough to know they've just lost it

there's always australia

i write about these good bye's way too often..

but life is so fleeting
and so are you..

another friend lost to the masses
there's little chance we will ever re-unite..

i miss you already
but i know it will fade with time..

with the memory of your face..

lonliness is fleeting

feeling lost today..




a rush from face to fingers.

too much caffeine and no direction.

so much laughter and not enough life.

it's sad how so much noise can make the silence feel lonely.



wanting to be buried in the living.

so i can blend in without having to breath.

running in the streets

running through the streets of Chicago
where everyone is pretending to be something their not

on the red line to a party i wonder if they are the same
so many stories so many secrets are hiding in here-
on the blue line- trying to get farther from home

we look like a parade - twenty of us walking looking confused

and excited- two by two here we come-

for that's all the street will allow-

so cold i can see your breath- but things are happy
and nothing can be too wrong tonight

looking like whores and sluts- we dance around - stealing-spilling-
dealing laughs and stares-

new people- old friends- could things be any better-
beautiful people are in abundance- beer is free and flowing
find a cup and you can join- for a small piece of your dignity
nothing is off limits-

boys in skirts- chicks with dicks-
let's dance and drink and smoke- these are the times
the best times- if we can say that- if we have that-

running in the streets- complaining from the cold- and feeling lost-
this is truely the best of what we have-

a dramatic letter

a letter you'll never get- a note you'll never read- just so it's clear- i will get over you- i will let go- let me go- to 'rest in pieces'- i'm done trying with you- i've lost my nerve and my heart-- my heart, my heart?- it's withered - it still beats- but barely- - but my justice- my peace- is knowing i will love again- my heart will beat for another- i will go on to love another day- you've toyed with my emotions for far too long- and i with yours but it's over- it is finally done- those words may have been spoken many times before-but this game- this fucking sadistic game- i give up- you win - i lose - i LOSE- i've lost so much of myself in the pursuit of you- but now i'm free from what you are- from what you make me when i'm about you- find another mind to fuck with- mine is now my own-i'll no longer lay down and die for you- i refuse - i'm done with you - leave me be- you've done your damage- i've bled all i can for you - you have drained me- and yet you still want more--
.................
i've had all my mind can handle but honestly my heart still wants more so i must be strong and i will be- i really will be this time around- hope your next mind fuck
is a good one- sincerely- me

the beat is lost

thoughts flowing in my head
to a rythmn that can't be said
words i can't cease to think
proverbs i can't let go

beats of a clock

flows from the radio-
playing in my mouth

dreaming of concepts i can not grasp
and poems i've never heard -
my mind is flowing, floating
spitting forth new ideas
old memories
new destinations
for me to explore

my hand moves to the beat
that is never ending

the heartbeat that is playing in my head
begs me to dance with it

i can't move -
stabalized by the many
words strapping me to the floor
can't see
blurred vision
words passing through my eyes

the rythmn
the rythmn
has caught me tounge tied

my ears ring spoken tounges
that i cannot unfold

my heart is pounding harder
and deeper with every word...

i feel my body wants to explode
with wisdom of past lives
and future times

i can't think clearly
everything is moving so fast
in and out of consiousness

dizziness makes my head pound-
wanting to escape the things i shouldn't have paused on

laying my involved mind to death
would be my only release-
my only freedom-