this is my china

yi ge ren wine drankin..
my room. alone.
late night//early morning skype calls
thinking about dancing in wudaokou while dancing with my mirror
wishing those boys that compliment my big eyes and western beauty were around now..
hoping for new excitement tomorrow
but happy with my private non nationalist party

don't miss it. don't miss you.

today, like everyday I spent a few moments missing.
missing him and her.. and them.. and all of it.
but for the first time, I realized, I didn't miss you.
which makes me sad. . because you're disappearing..
but I didn't miss you ... so I'm more free than I was yesterday.. and with that thought I'm more and more content every second that you're fading away..
Sometimes I write as if I were in the grave..
thinking about what others will read when I am gone.. when they are grieving..
after the grief has subsided..
I think about what I will have wanted to have made up about myself..
What do the people want? "When do they want it?"

my words will all sound different in your heads when I'm dead

been here a year now.. longest I've ever been away from anywhere
My life is so different but yet much the same..
But I think I feel more.. I cherish more.. I miss so much more..

Hearing my father's voice never used to make me want to cry.
You made Beijing feel whole.
We were those people on the subway, on the bus, in the restaurant, on the street..
People looked, gawked... because of our smiles..
and our complete disregard for everything that wasn't us..

I felt childish, lost, happy, nervous and comfortable.. all reasonable and perfect.


Tonight sitting alone with a tiny bottle, and a numb heart.
I remember all those I've ever loved or felt close to..
all those that I am now so far removed from in various ways.
I have had so many good people come in and out of my life.
It's hard to know if they knew that I noticed.. I noticed their greatness.

I have no talent's, no special skills, not even any original hobbies..
But I can love. I can be there for you. I can notice you. I have noticed you. and I won't stop.


I miss so much and so often.