she always had something playing in her head..
you could tell she was searching for something..

always staring into the distance like she was waiting for something, as if she knew what was there

you were patient and let me open up on my own terms and didn't get frustrated when i was so quiet

you told me i was being dramatic when i asked you not to break my heart

you made plans for the summer and mental lists of things we would have to do together

you knew I was sweet when everyone else joked that I beat you

it made me happy and calm when you would ask if i still liked you

you told me you loved me and got pouty when i didn't say it back every time

i gave you so much room to be yourself and tried to make sure you knew i liked you for who you were and not for someone i was going to create out of you

you were and I was.
and now we are not.

i still think about you more than what's comfortable.

in my heart i don't want to give you up..
but my head says to wash my hands.

love, again.

“It's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well.”

i wish..

i wish we hadn't talked today-
i wish i was still mad at you for not having called-
i wish i didn't miss you-
i wish your voice didn't sound so apathetic-
i wish i felt hope-
i wish i didn't care-
i wish it was spring-
i wish you still loved me-
i wish i knew if you ever really loved me-
i wish i wouldn't have given it all away on the first cute boy with a smile-
i wish i could take it back-
i wish you were holding me-
i wish i knew how this all ends-
i wish i was happy-

MONDAY

monday--
is a day away- so far i have to squint to see it-
so close it's smothering

monday--
is a day of truth- the kind of lies you want to believe
the words that always make me want to cry

monday--
is the first day of a long week- filled with adventures to
remember but not enough days to make me forget-

monday--
is just another heartache
another work day
another goodbye
another conversation

it's one more smile to mask the tears-

i read things i know i wasn't supposed to..
i danced through words that weren't for my eyes..
things were said that i was never supposed to know..
stories weren't told that should have been..
despite the guilt for knowing when i shouldn't have..
i feel less sorrow than i think i should..
i shouldn't know how you talk to her or her to you..
but i do now, and it would make another sad..
i am not down.. but distant..
i now feel more sure of myself in this mess we have created and called love.
i know for sure that this has all been fun and fantasy and that i will be able to move on when the time comes, without heartache..

i do not regret what i have done.