how is this real

i don't fuckin get it--
i really don't understand
why you woke me up to tell
me you were walking away today--

ok-- so you're leaving her--
but did you realize
that means you're also leaving me

and despite my role in your life-- i'm sad--
i'm sad i'm fucking confused i'm ..at a loss for words-

why-- what the fuck is going on--
how is this happening--

i'm still half asleep, am i still dreaming--
tell me this is a dream--

it's too drastic to not be-- it's to irrational
to be realistic--did you think about all the
effects this would have -- you know you'll be back-

you have to be-- she'll come get you- in a wave of
reckless spontaneity

i know it will happen- i don't see why you can't--
why she can't -

i just talked to her and she was so calm- so tranquil-
how is that-- what the fuck is going on--
how the fuck is this all happening with so much ease

i have never had any major transitions in my
life be so simple- but yet you- and her- you
make it seem as if nothing is changing-- but i can
see-- i can fucking see- that everything is shifting--
which will only lead to more changes-- even the little
things are going to change--
do you think your leaving will make
her life- better-- do you honestly believe that--

it will not make anything better-- it will make me her
on-call fucking therapist for the next 3 weeks i'm going to be the one to pick
up all her pieces-- you'll
be gone-- i'll be here-

i'm still dumfounded at how effortless this is for you-

i know this standoff will not last- and i know when it's
over the problems and the pain will have only started-
yet again--

but you need to do - what you feel you must- if she's
happy or if she believes she is- then maybe this is what
is supposed to be happening- but that doesn't make me any
less sad and miserable- it doesn't make her any less
likely to have problems i'll need to cater too- it
doesn't make me miss you any less- it actually doesn't fix




looking back-
over my shoulder

i can see us smiling
i can see all the lonliness
i've ever felt

i can feel all the sadness you could
ever hold-

wondering where time has taken us-

nostalgia sweeps over me as i peer
into our pasts-

i am sad for all the words i never
said- for all the feelings..
emotions i was too naive to portray to you-

but i have no regret --
for every wrong there was a right-
and all those mistakes have brought
me to this self i am today


i just told you things- ..you allow me to
be an open book-
but yet i feel you're
still in hiding-

i'm content with this-
with the way things are

i do want to know more of you-
i think of you many times throughout
my days-
just a passing wonder
of what you might be involved in-

and i- don't even think it's about
you being a boy-
and me a girl-

just that there is something in you
that reminds me of

i want to be closer to that-
to know more of you-
means to know more of myself

you're the stronger me i'll never be


in the dark

i just turned it down
but it's still
screaming in my ear--

in the dark -all things are loud

i can hear you breathing -
even though you're not here

want to be nearer to you-
though you are a stranger

i've had a couple- but
is that really the basis for all
these thoughts-
must be something deeper--

can it be?-
you are my oldest friend-
and my newest self?

still loud - now sadder-
singing in my head--
wish i could turn it down-
it won't let me--
block out the lonliness


my love affair

i feel like i could drown right now-
drown in an ocean of pills...

& it would be so romantic-
like a fairy tale-
just to fade away in a daydream-

you'd find me - dreaming on-
in my bed-
arm draped down off the side of the bed-
close to touching the floor -
w/ cigarette in hand- -
burnt down to the filter-

i would look peaceful in
a deranged sort of way

how romantic those pills sound now.....