i want out

I want to start over- I want to disappear- I want to go somewhere new

someplace I’ve never been- I want to be anonymous in a city-

I want to leave everyone and everything I know-

I want to break all ties- I want to go alone- I want to be alone- I want to be lonely-

I want to be uncomfortable and awkward- I want to feel free fresh and new-

I want to suffer- I want to survive-

I want to forget responsibility-

I want that sensation of being scared and excited in a big new place-

I want to appreciate new people new feelings-

I want to cherish the good and learn from the bad- I want to notice the little things-

I want to forget who I was- I want to know who I am now- I want change- I want experience-

I want out-

thoughts on death

nobody wants to die?
in all honesty -
how real is life if it's something we can end in a quick
moment
but does it really end in a moment -
is it a process you start and then grow to regret
you lay there
feeling the pain
it starts to numb you
then there is the overwhelming feeling of relief
so are you finished
do you want to end your life now that you've numbed the
pain- for now-
you see the blood
you've felt the hurt
you know you've punished yourself
death is a process but can you stop it once you start it
do you feel so numb that you don't try to stop the bleeding -
that you just lucidly feel the blood flow out-
draining you of life-
of problems
of sadness
the pain is gone -
why stop now

the blood

the night seems blurry now
how can i possibly forget
the pain
was so intense
more than the BLOOD
the sheets i stripped away as to
keep us from the severity of the moment
but the BLOOD on the toilet
and bathroom floor
the BLOOD stains on the carpet
the dried BLOOD on your arms and legs
the BLOOD on your nightgown
the BLOOD couldn't make us forget
nothing could take away from the BLOOD
nothing could make us forget about death

feeling numb from too much
reality.
i don't think i can take much more.
feeling sick from my melodramatic tendencies
i would almost rather not talk to you -
i would rather lie here watching this blood dry-
waiting and hoping
for it all to bring feeling back to my
soul.

so numb

handicapped by my feelings
w/ blood running down my arm-
it's brighter than i imagined it would be-

wishing i could cry then
maybe i would feel more alive

i almost wish the cuts were deep enough to drain
my body of its soul

i thought the razor would bring back
feeling to my inanimate body

yet i still feel dead -
what will make this numbness fade--

is death really so far away?