who want to what makes me work.. you said you did, in so many words.. that makes me smile..
18.9.12
who want to what makes me work.. you said you did, in so many words.. that makes me smile..
5.9.12
the scars are fading..
as I no longer ache with the lack of you when I lay down at night
3.9.12
Labels: short
28.7.12
this is my china
my room. alone.
music.
late night//early morning skype calls
thinking about dancing in wudaokou while dancing with my mirror
wishing those boys that compliment my big eyes and western beauty were around now..
hoping for new excitement tomorrow
but happy with my private non nationalist party
don't miss it. don't miss you.
missing him and her.. and them.. and all of it.
but for the first time, I realized, I didn't miss you.
which makes me sad. . because you're disappearing..
BUT
but I didn't miss you ... so I'm more free than I was yesterday.. and with that thought I'm more and more content every second that you're fading away..
thinking about what others will read when I am gone.. when they are grieving..
after the grief has subsided..
I think about what I will have wanted to have made up about myself..
What do the people want? "When do they want it?"
my words will all sound different in your heads when I'm dead
My life is so different but yet much the same..
But I think I feel more.. I cherish more.. I miss so much more..
Hearing my father's voice never used to make me want to cry.
We were those people on the subway, on the bus, in the restaurant, on the street..
People looked, gawked... because of our smiles..
and our complete disregard for everything that wasn't us..
I felt childish, lost, happy, nervous and comfortable.. all reasonable and perfect.
你是我的小秘密.
I remember all those I've ever loved or felt close to..
all those that I am now so far removed from in various ways.
I have had so many good people come in and out of my life.
It's hard to know if they knew that I noticed.. I noticed their greatness.
I have no talent's, no special skills, not even any original hobbies..
But I can love. I can be there for you. I can notice you. I have noticed you. and I won't stop.
3.7.12
26.5.12
two days before my 28th birthday
having a fleeting moment of intense loneliness
wishing I was somewhere else but not knowing where it is that I belong anymore
28 lost and lonely in Beijing
should I write a shitty, cheesy classified ad.. a craigslist..
someone help
tell me what to do now..
22.2.12
loss
I can't help but want to talk to you..
12.2.12
4.2.12
loaded
there is no resolution.. no easy one.
but it's the tiniest bit easier to make a brash decision when you're not around.. the trigger seems lighter when I've had a few and I don't have to see your face..
...
my hands are covered in gun powder.
I already regret even holding the gun
infected
I would pull the trigger..
But I think you would respect me more if I did.. and I don’t want your respect..
I’ve only ever wanted your compassion. Your temper.. I want you to feel something.
Why won’t you feel anything for me..
I’ve loved you, I love you. MORE than anything I’ve ever cared about before.
I’m scared I will break without your stoicism.. No matter how you treat me the gun has always went off so many times before.. you’ve just never seen the wounds. But if you walk away I will die from gangrene ..
you’re presence has kept the infection at bay..
22.1.12
19.1.12
stories
She was the kind of person that found relevant and identifiable material in every song she heard, movie she watched and book she read. She always felt like everything could be about her life, no matter the story line. Her mood was so shifty and her dreams likely to change on a whim that she never felt tied to a specific personality type or plight in life. She found ways to relate with every archetype she came across, no matter gender, age or status. I still haven’t decided if this made me think she was sad or interesting.
19.12.11
death becomes them
Even if we were to ever be in some friendship again, It can’t be this one, therefore this one is over and dead.
15.11.11
and actual actions never mean anything..
all struggle with what it means to live and love..
but it still seems easier for some..
at the point of nothing but living..
wanting nothing but hard truth..
and still it's a struggle for honest people..
give a fucking reason why it's all worth it..
14.11.11
Labels: short
19.10.11
it's so hard..
i know what advice i would get..
what advice i would give..
i know what you would prefer
i know what's best for myself..
but i just can't do any of it..
i know i should.. i know i must..
it just hurts so bad.. to even think of it..
to even IMAGINE it.. it hurts..
21.7.11
today
22.5.11
jumbled thoughts
20.5.11
home is where your heart was
we share so much space, we share so much time, we share so much
we love so much
so much that it's all over, there's so little room and so many emotions,
it can get crowded
over time, it's less about the love and more about expectation
sensitivity has become a problem,
with so much sprawled out, of you, of me..
it's easy to trip over feelings, walk on things you can't see,
insecurties you didn't know were kept there, assumptions you didn't know were made
it's easy to fail, it's easy to hurt, it's easy to forget there ever was love at all
maybe we need a bigger home
4.3.11
..well how the fuck am I suppose to know which is the assigned path?
11.1.11
it's just not fair.. and there will always be a bigger pile of rocks no matter who's doing the charts
it's exhaustive and upsetting.. how you always know what to say..
how you seem to be right most of the time, and yet you never gloat
without effort you have all the answers except those to the questions i will never ask..
however comforting some might find sound advice, i some days want to hold sand whilst looking at Everest and ask why.