I'm alone.

It's dark.

Three fingers on my right hand smell like cigarettes, even though I just washed them with soap.

My mouth tastes sickly sweet like the morning after binge drinking, even though I brushed my teeth twenty minutes ago.

There's a single tear starting to drip from my right eye where it's been welling up for the last five minutes, even though I'm not crying.

The music stopped playing, even though I didn't want it to.

loss

I can't help but want to talk to you..

I feel like it's all I've ever done..

all I've ever known..

every feeling I have

I want to gift to you even when I know they're not the kinds of things people want.

you used to say it didn't matter what other people liked.. you would take everything..

now it's all broken.

and so am I

loss

I can't help but want to talk to you..

I feel like it's all I've ever done..

all I've ever known..

every feeling I have

I want to gift to you even when I know they're not the kinds of things people want.

you used to say it didn't matter what other people liked.. you would take everything..

now it's all broken.

and so am I

just breath

it won't die if you let it breath

loaded

there is no resolution.. no easy one.

but it's the tiniest bit easier to make a brash decision when you're not around.. the trigger seems lighter when I've had a few and I don't have to see your face..

...

my hands are covered in gun powder.

I already regret even holding the gun

infected

I would pull the trigger..

But I think you would respect me more if I did.. and I don’t want your respect..

I’ve only ever wanted your compassion. Your temper.. I want you to feel something.

Why won’t you feel anything for me..

I’ve loved you, I love you. MORE than anything I’ve ever cared about before.

I’m scared I will break without your stoicism.. No matter how you treat me the gun has always went off so many times before.. you’ve just never seen the wounds. But if you walk away I will die from gangrene ..

you’re presence has kept the infection at bay..

it's hard to imagine a time when I won't love him

stories

She was the kind of person that found relevant and identifiable material in every song she heard, movie she watched and book she read. She always felt like everything could be about her life, no matter the story line. Her mood was so shifty and her dreams likely to change on a whim that she never felt tied to a specific personality type or plight in life. She found ways to relate with every archetype she came across, no matter gender, age or status. I still haven’t decided if this made me think she was sad or interesting.

When I first came across her she was with friends in the window booth of a small hole in the wall pizza place that had a rock and roll motif. I noticed her immediately upon entering, not because she was especially stunning but because she looked out of place. I had only been in this town for a short while, but long enough to notice that this town had a shortage of genuine people, people who are not living to impress others with their stories.

death becomes them

Even if we were to ever be in some friendship again, It can’t be this one, therefore this one is over and dead.

i know i didn't have to break my door in.. but i felt out of place with you.

today

do you think anyone has ever been here..

with you. the one that could only be the one.

has it ever happened that someone was so desperate to live next to,

to breath in the scent of their beloved everyday, while that beloved has since lost all sentiment

for me.

do you think anyone has been this miserable..

pretending everyday that friendship is all i need from you.

pushing away the feelings, heartache and madness day after day

smiling, masking all my hopes, finding solace in the prospect that someday i won't have a choice,

that someday you'll be done with this friendship or that you'll learn the truth and run..

for now, though, i wallow in your smile, your mannerisms.. your quirks.

basking in trivial day to day tasks with you

clinging to any affection you give me

choking on whatever attention i get from you

a look, a petname, a morning cuddle

actions that you don't give a second thought to

they mean the world to me

you mean the world to me.

this is serious. i'm the only one torturing myself.

home is where your heart was

in this tiny home with all our books, our clothes, our things
we share so much space, we share so much time, we share so much
we love so much
so much that it's all over, there's so little room and so many emotions,
it can get crowded
over time, it's less about the love and more about expectation
sensitivity has become a problem,
with so much sprawled out, of you, of me..
it's easy to trip over feelings, walk on things you can't see,
insecurties you didn't know were kept there, assumptions you didn't know were made
it's easy to fail, it's easy to hurt, it's easy to forget there ever was love at all
maybe we need a bigger home

today a fortune cookie told me I need "depart not from the path which fate has you assigned"
..well how the fuck am I suppose to know which is the assigned path?

you were right, one should never compare pebbles to mountains..
it's just not fair.. and there will always be a bigger pile of rocks no matter who's doing the charts

it's exhaustive and upsetting.. how you always know what to say..
how you seem to be right most of the time, and yet you never gloat
without effort you have all the answers except those to the questions i will never ask..

however comforting some might find sound advice, i some days want to hold sand whilst looking at Everest and ask why.

it's so unreal
we were so happy and now we're always ok..
there's always a tinge of vengeance mixed with hope..
i know we can never be right..
but seeing you tonight makes me regret knowing you..
seeing you laughing with her.. makes me regret ever having laughed with you.

somehow i don't believe we'll come out of this..
somehow i don't think we'll ever be friends like we were hours ago..

you have been the best to me..
but now i can only see the worst in you.

she could cry at any moment

--deep breaths, over and over--

the tears are there.
just below the surface
the pain is there.
just under the smile

you only like me when i smile
and only need me when you can't

new pillows
clean blankets
mattress flipped and turned
still i can feel where you slept

every time i close my eyes i see you in my bed
i can feel you next to me
i can hear your shallow breath

every time i close my eyes you're still here

you're beautiful and perfect and you always know how to charm..
then you leave, cause you're only a child and know nothing of promises.
it's sad until it isn't
when soaked pillows have finally dried.. you're seen for what you are.
a cheap imitation of the real thing.
a simple boy trying to become a man.

now, it's only sad that you're already everything you'll ever be.

if you only listened like you used to.. maybe you might hear me.

if you only cared enough.. you would know you're hurting me.

if you actually loved me unconditionally like you say you do.. i wouldn't feel so alone.. i wouldn't feel like i'm constantly to blame.. i wouldn't always be striving to make things right when i was never in the wrong.

if only things weren't so complicated in your head. and you could just see me. see the girl i am. not the person you met long ago. or the fantasy friend you've created me to be.

if.. if we could just be, again..

dead end

i'm growing tired of this life..
it's fun until i sit down..
until i focus my eyes..

it works when i don't try to look at what i've earned..
but see what i've given.
even then i might have put more than my fair share in.

it's a psychotic phase.. of extreme social highs and super lonely lows..
i thought i got out of this cycle years ago.. it looks as if it's not a sequence i can stray from, but a strict path.

i'm weary and worn..
it's taken a toll on my heart and head..
i'm ill. and this is final. i must cut the course short.

sometimes i get onto that site our generation has
that one we use too much..
i go there and look you up..
to look at your face, your smile..
all the pictures that i took of you..
all the ones of you loving me.. and then the latter.. when things were not the same..
i don't know why i do this.. or that i'm doing it now..
i haven't talked to you in days..
because i don't think i really need you much..
but i still want you to need me.

skins

"what do you do when someone you love lets you down and really fucks you over?"

"you must try to stop loving them."

"is that possible?"

"no, i don't think so."

talked to you today..
you were sad.. you needed me.
you needed some solace. some reassurance.
i gave you none. not intentionally.
i talked of all my happiness since you.
you realized i don't need you. anymore.
i realized i don't need you. at all.


you were nice. we were great.
but you're a fond memory that's getting faint.

i still think about you more than what's comfortable.